Let That Guilt Go (Replace It With Self-Compassion)
Guilt is the more formal cousin of “should.” When we believe that we are somehow performing below or outside of expectations (whether our own or societal), we feel guilt for not being able to match it. We turn inward.
In the midst of this COVID-19 madness, this is the perfect time to practice self-compassion. By that I mean, put it into practice every single day. This pandemic is ripe for guilt to emerge as the emotion of the day.
Am I giving enough time to my kids? Are they eating too much junk food? Are they learning enough? Am I doing enough to tend to their emotional, mental and physical needs?
Hell, am I giving enough attention to myself? Should I take a nap today? Ugh, I took a nap yesterday. I can’t take another one today.
Oh, god, here’s an email from my boss. I just want to lie down. Why is this so hard? I don’t feel like doing any of this. Why does this seem easier for other people……?
We’re got to find a calm space in the center of all this, and self-compassion is the thing that’ll get us there.
Dr. Kristin Neff, who literally wrote the book on self-compassion, defines it in three parts: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. A quick exploration of all three:
Self-kindness. When things don’t go quite our way, we’re able to be warm and gracious toward ourselves.
Common humanity. Humans mess up sometimes. We all feel a bit inadequate in certain situations.
Mindfulness. Being an observer of our emotions (“Ah, that’s sadness. Hm, that’s anger.”) allows us to not overly identify with the emotions from our pain or disappointment.
(If you struggle with this, Dr. Neff has an amazing self-compassion quiz that helps you identify where you might need some additional attention.)
Learning to be kind to yourself and give yourself grace is extremely important, now more than ever. Here’s the exact practice I use when I’m beating myself up about my perceived inadequacies. Ask yourself these questions:
IDENTIFY BELIEFS: What do I believe I should be capable of right now? Who says I should? Why would this "should” be helpful?
ADDRESS REALITY: What is the gap between what I believe I should be able to do and what I am actually able to do?
GUT CHECK: How do I feel about that gap? How would I feel if someone else I love told me this exact same information? Would I feel the same way about them and their abilities?
ADJUST + FLOW: How can I address this gap in a way that addresses the helpfulness behind the should?
Here’s how it looks in action. Say I’m feeling guilty about taking a mental health day off from work.
IDENTIFY BELIEFS: I believe I should be able to keep working, since I only have a 5-day workweek and I’ve already been working from home for years. I should be able to keep it together because other people have much more demanding jobs and they show up day after day. This “should” would be helpful because I do like to work and I have ideas for my business. I just don’t have the energy right now.
ADDRESS REALITY: I should be able to work my regular hours and get a ton of work done. But my reality is that I am actually averaging about 4 days of work per week. That is currently the best I can do.
GUT CHECK: If my best friend or my daughter said she was tired and needed to take a mental health day, I would encourage her to do what she needed to do to feel better. “Take care of yourself first” is one of my core values.
ADJUST + FLOW: I’m still going to take the mental health day because I recognize that some of the most creative ideas I got for my business came when I was resting, not when I was furiously working. Rest works for my overall goals (which is to be a well-nourished entrepreneur who is not driven insane by her business!).
Over time, I’ve learned to push back on guilt and replace it with self-compassion. I have enough going on without becoming one of my own obstacles.
If you’re struggling to offer yourself self-compassion right now, try this out for yourself. Let me know how it works in your life.
