Resigning Your Title as “The Strong Friend” (In Five Not-So-Easy Steps)
For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt like the one who had to “take care” of everybody else.
As the oldest child + the oldest cousin, I’ve had this innate drive to make sure everybody around me was good. We’re at birthday parties? I’m making sure there’s enough cake to go around. We’re at the park? I’m making sure my sisters get a chance to play on the swings and go down the slide.
That same dynamic played out in my friend groups too, especially when I was the first to become a mom. We’re out and someone has a headache? I have some Tylenol in my purse. You drank too much? I’m always the designated driver. Need to chat? Let me drop what I’m doing and give you a listening ear.
That “Strong Friend” dynamic is very familiar to me. For the most part, I do not carry any resentment toward the people I love in my life. I enjoy making sure they’re good. I like that they seek my counsel when they have a dilemma. I like being viewed as dependable and a safe space for those who need shelter.
The problem comes when the output and the love only flows one way. When you’re being sought as support but you don’t feel comfortable seeking the same in return, partially due to your own fears and partially because no one thinks you need the same support you freely dole out.
The fear of being “too much” and the fear of losing my status as “the one who has it all together” are two burdens that go hard in hand with the Strong Friend burden I’ve worked very hard to release.
Here’s how I did it:
Recognized my own overwhelm
Shedding that identity as the Strong Friend was less about desire and more about necessity.
I was tired.
I didn’t want to continue to problem solve by myself, to enact changes by myself, to lift myself over every hurdle in life by myself. I had to swallow two deep truths: If I continued to pull away from people when they could potentially help me with situations that stress or overwhelm me, I would not have the support I so desperately craved.
Life, it turns out, is easier when you are working with a full crew. As I preach here, community is life-saving and we don’t talk about that enough.
Got some professional help
I recognized that some of what I was looking for my friends to carry would actually work better if I laid it at the feet of a qualified mental health professional. Plus, I could practice being vulnerable (something I wasn’t yet comfortable with) in a space where no one would judge me — or better yet, in a space where judgement didn’t matter
Put a pinky toe in the pool of vulnerability
Being vulnerable, Brene Brown tells us, is “having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” To be seen as the flawed woman that I am.
I enjoyed seeming well-adjusted and put together but the truth is that I was no more stable or mature than any of my friends. We’re stumbling through life together and I needed to practice letting my inner circle know that I am prone to tripping and stumbling myself.
Small-ish admissions, like I blew through my budget for the month or I threw together my kids’ birthday celebration last minute, helped me feel more comfortable when it came time to share my bigger truths, like “Oh Lawd I have big fears around money” and “Sometimes I feel motherhood is overwhelming as a whole.”
Forgave people for who they aren’t able to be
Another hard truth: Everybody won’t be able to support the New and Improved You™ that’s on display. They just won’t. It’s been too long experiencing you one way and the new version of you is causing their internal system to crash. Just…does not compute.
HOWEVER, I’d be wiling to bet that most of the people in your life can and will support you once you make your support needs known. But for those who can’t, forgive them. Release them for that position of expected support and sisterhood and let them be free to live their life. Holding on to anger about who showed up for you and when and how drains you.
Consider who in your circle you might lean on: are they going through their own heavy trials (health issues, new parenthood, new job/promotion, divorce, etc)? Then they might not be the folks you can turn to right now and that’s okay. See the next point below.
Found more people who could round out my squad
When you’re stepping out of the Strong Friend role, you’re looking to step into a squad of loving people who understand that reciprocity should be baked into the relationship.
I had to take a hard look at my relationships. Two quick ways to do this: turn to the social media platform you use most and/or have the most personal connections on and look at the contacts saved in your phone.
How many people can you call at 11 pm when you’re stressed and on the ledge?
How many people can you ask to run a quick errand for you when you’re overbooked and not able to be in two places at once?
How many people can you ask to hold space for your feelings and give you sound, timely advice?
How many people will check in on you if they haven’t heard from you (either directly or online) in two weeks?
This is where you determine the measurements of friendship that will add to your life most. Here we’re not talking about quantity, but quality.
Are you tired of the Strong Friend mantle? How have you learned to put it down or are you still a work in progress?
